*Warning - This blog may be all over the place - because I'm so excited!*
Background:
You may or may not guess/know this about me - I am a WUSS - and have been a fearful person most of my life...
Here are some fears - just to list a few
(please don't think that I'm neurotic... actually, if you do I don't really care - because I'm not afraid of what people think anymore!) ha.
Spiders. Being alone. Stairs (or anything that I could see bellow me). Bats. Roller Coasters (if I'm not on the side with the stairs.) Bridges. Not locking the door once I'm home (someone coming in). What people think of me. Not getting to say goodbye to someone I love.
These fears controlled me... paralyzed me. NOT ANYMORE!
I didn't know that I would face my fears and get over them in AU. I had NO CLUE! But I am changed. I'm not fearful anymore. Seriously it's amazing! :OD
I went to Australia gripped by fear. It had provided some sort of sick comfort. I think that I craved attention - so in my fear I got that attention. (ouch the truth is ugly!) There was something that IN being afraid - I was being taken care of. (note - one of my fears is being alone).
Christine Caine (who is one of my favorite women!) was preaching about "risky living" which is definitely NOT ME! I want to live that way - but don't. I liked my fear too much!
She talked about how she was afraid of flying (the woman travels 300 days out of the year now... she CAN'T be afraid of flying!) She wouldn't be able to do what she is MEANT to do - if she was still afraid.
Chris said, "It's time to look fear in the eye and Face Your Fears!" At that moment I KNEW I needed to climb the bridge. My sister and I had talked about doing it - but ran out of time...
I knew I needed to do it by myself! (again... fear of being alone). I wasn't going to tell anybody. I was just going to do it and show the pictures for proof after. BUT if I didn't tell anyone... I could have backed out. So I told a few friends. I called the Bridge Climb office and gave them my check card number and booked the climb (once you book it - you can't get your money back). SO... I was going to do the climb.
The day of the climb came. I gave myself 2 hours to find the place (I'm a bit directionally challenged). Mom called as I was sitting there waiting - so I let her and my sister know that I was doing it... (I was so glad they called - because if that was the last time I talked to anyone - I got to say I love you and they could pass it on!)
I was petrified! I climbed with 9 other people and the Guide "Bernie". We had to introduce ourselves and say why we were doing the climb. I told everyone that I was, "Suzy from MN and I'm climbing the bridge to face my fear of bridges and get over it!" they all clapped. It was nice! Until I had the suite on - everything clamped to me and I was on my way up the ladder!
I seriously didn't think I was going to make it up the 10 foot ladder to a graded podium (that I could see bellow me) and back down. My heart was beating out of my chest and I was beginning to get dizzy. The worst thing is we had to stand on the top of the 10 foot podium and WAIT to get down. I knew I had to concentrate and get serious!
I was right next to the guide. He looked at me and said, "Suzy... your life will be transformed today. When you come off this bridge you'll be a changed women! No one will recognize you - your fear will be gone!" It took everything in me not to start balling! I looked at him - determined (not believing it yet) and said, "AMEN" that's all I could think of!
We began the climb. I was shaking and almost peed my pants - just reciting over and over, "I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me. I can do all things... through Christ" It was going over and over in my head while I white-knuckle gripped the railings of the stairs. Then I decided to look around and it changed to, "I AM doing all things! ... Ooh - that's a pretty building. This isn't so bad!" Then it was just steps. No more ladders - and I was latched to the side of the bridge. As long as I didn't look down I was fine!
Then Bernie announced that it was "Suzy's Right of Passage! Time to get over this fear!" The whole group cheered. I looked back and it was as if they were pushing me. I walked across a little cat walk (ABOVE THE 8 LANES OF RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC...) Bernie stopped in the middle and said, "Look Down." So I did. My hands gripped the side as I began to look down. Then it wasn't that bad and I just started laughing!
That was it.
It was over.
I wanted to say, "You don't got nothin' on me!!" Actually... I think I did say that!
How could something that was so paralizing be gone so quickly? I'm not sure but it was!! So I made it to the other side! The group cheered I smiled! Then Bernie started going the wrong way... we HAD to go to the summit and he turned right instead of left to go to the top. So I said, "Bernie, where are you going - we've gotta go to the top to get pictures (so I can PROVE that I did it!)"
He said, (in all his wisdom) "Suzy - sometimes it looks like you're going the wrong direction - but then just at the right moment (he turned on the wire) you realize you're going exactly where you need to." He just kind of giggled. I'm sure by this point he figured out that I like to know exactly what's happening.
Haha... another funny thing that God has been showing me. "I don't have to know it all!" (blog to be posted soon).
So I just laughed and followed!
We made it to the top. I got my pictures. And then we went down.
It was AMAZING! It was life changing. There were moments that I wanted to share it with someone special... but then I was so glad that I did it by myself!!
The best part has been AFTER the climb! There is truly a change in me. I feel it everyday.
I laughed on the way down at the stairs that I was so petrified of on the way up.
I went looking for bats that afternoon. I jumped on the grates on the sidewalk as I walked down the street that day. I just smiled as we drove across the Sydney Harbor Bridge a few days later. 2 spiders made webs in my windows at home (big spiders too... for MN) and I just looked at them and smiled. I love being alone (for the first time in my life). I'm not looking for something or someone to fulfill me! I don't need the attention that fear provided. The trade off is not worth it.
I can proudly say again... I'M NOT AFRAID.
I've had some cool things happen in my life. But I must say that this climb has been the most life changing experience so far! I've been saved from the grip of fear that once held me.
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