a confession

of a shopoholic.

I handed over my check card yesterday.
and.
It was one of the most freeing things I've done in a while!

While I've wanted to use it... MANY times since then.
It is SO NICE to not have it at my fingertips to use as a crutch!

I have got an amazing role model and friend in my life who is investing her time and energy into me.  Holding me accountable.  Going over my monthly budget... and previous month's spending.  It's good. and hard to look at sometimes.

It's not REALLY hard at this point {but then again it IS only the 2nd day}.  I'm so sick of where I've been. Buying things {really anything} has been an addiction.  I am an addict.  I see that now. I have to treat it just as I would alcohol or any other addiction. The first step for any addict is to acknowledge it... right?

This last month was a bit of a relapse month. It is hard to deal with that.  Thinking that you're doing "so well" and then one trip to the mall turns into 3 and one night eating out turns into 5 {in a week}.  The justifications for spending start flying...

I am proud to say I am now taking care of it - no more justifications.  I am seeing my debt for what it is.  and getting it out of my life.  I won't be controlled by it anymore!  I WILL think differently.  about myself. about what fills my life.

This is good. and hard.  But it will be AMAZING when I can say that I am DEBT FREE.  I remember saying out loud, "I'm going to be a pretty good catch, once I've got this all figured out..."

but.

A big part of "recovery" is realizing that it may not ever be "figured out"... we are a continual work.   It's when I think I'm good... and can handle things and don't protect myself and have accountability when the downward spiral starts.

Maybe reading this will help other people.  This is a hard blog to post... but I'm posting it for myself... for accountability of reading my own words - and for you.  If it opens one person's eyes and encourages someone to become debt free {or addiction free} - it's worth posting this.

Here's to the good times and hard times ahead.