missing you.

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.


There are days when all I see are wedding bands and look at my finger naked.
There are days when I see parents holding their new born babies and look at my arms, empty.


There are days when I'm reminded of the hope deferred that I've known.
I've HAD and LOST. Better to have loved and lost then never loved at all right? Right. There are days when that doesn't feel so good. Doesn't help.

When I find rest in God my hope comes from him!

I don't mean this to be a {downer blog}. BUT I do mean to say that having hard days when you're not where you {want} to be or where you {expected} you would be is ok. It's good. Good to feel what we feel when we're feeling it. If we don't it will just remain and get stronger.

I have been {missing you} lately. A place that I would love to be - but am not there. I'm ok not being there - but just miss you sometimes.

{dedicated to A&LP}
Our Hope Endures - Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

I just heard this song and it made me smile.

so I thought I'd share.

Uncle Kracker — Smile lyrics

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

up there with the best of them

tonight will go in the record books for me. as one of the best lia sophia parties. It was a themed party and everyone got into it! I loved having my mom and sister there. I've known most of the people there for years and years - but it was fun to hang out, relax, catch up and actually get to know each other a bit more. Nothing "spectacular" just so comfortable and fun, like family! It was a girls night that I needed! :O)

the "box" I don't fit into

MOMs Group.
I'm not a mom. I'm single. and NOT close to marriage or having kids.

A dear friend of mine asked me to join the "MOMs Group" at her church.

She said, "we don't really talk about 'Mom stuff' or marriage too often... mostly just girl stuff. So ANYONE can come."

I told my DF that as long as I didn't have a closing scheduled I'd be there (weekly)!
I LOVE getting together with "the girls" whoever - wherever - whenever.

I've gone 3 times now. And my friend was completely WRONG... ;O)

My first time going was last year - where the topic was "Emotional Affairs" - totally for married people. Now this year the topic is definitely about PARENTING... every week.

I know my DF wasn't lying to me when she invited me... I just take what they talk about and apply it to where I'm at in life.

Going to "MOMs Group" has shown me though how much we as a culture, or maybe women like things to fit, into our perfectly painted boxes.

It was interesting to see/hear people's reaction when they found out I don't have kids.

1st week:
"Suzy... what are YOU doing here? You're not a MOM..."
2nd week:
trying to be tactful
"So I'm kind of confused... you're not a MOM, so why would you WANT to come to a MOMs Group?"
2nd person 2nd week:
"So what ages are your kids? ... Oh. ... So you're engaged? Close to marriage? ... Have a boyfriend? ... Oh. ... Well it's good to have you here!" :O)

I'm not saying ANY of this to complain about MOMs Group. at all. Actually just the opposite. I love it.

Being on the other side of "a group" has made me realize how important what we say, how we say it - and how we accept people is. It can completely turn someone off or on and we may not even know it. I think we need to be more aware of the boxes we create. If someone or something doesn't "fit" how do we handle it? How do I handle it?

SO... someday I'll be a mom. And people won't ask why I'm at a MOMs Group. But until then I'll continue to enjoy where I'm at - outside the box.

"I've got my Mother's laugh..."

I remember when I heard my mom say that for the first time.

Now I find myself thinking it ALL THE TIME...

insert foot in mouth

a funny story.

was out with the sibs tonight. a guy that my sister had a crush on way back when saw her and came over to chat.

he said
"remember when we were boyfriend and girlfriend in elementary school"

... then said
"i haven't seen you at many games lately... weren't you good friends with _________'s ex-girlfriend?"

she and i looked at each other and giggled a little bit - wondering if he knew that he was asking about ME... i was sitting right there.

he mentioned it again. so i sheepishly raised my hand. kris and i looked at each other - he looked at me questioning...

K was like
"#1 yah - i'm really good friends with her #2 she's my sister... she's right here"

the moment was priceless! totally made our night. we all had a good laugh. he tried to recover.

"you don't look the same though..."

and apologized. (a few times) ... there was no need to apologize.

no hard feelings. no awkwardness there. it gave us an awesome laugh and ________ is a really great guy - just not for me.

good times with the sibs! love making memories and spending time together! joel moves back to portland on tuesday so we've gotta get as much time together as possible. i'm gonna miss the crap out of him. but it's good. i'm excited for him. with everything that is new and falling into place. this is gonna be a GOOD year!

love you guys!

Girlfriends' Night @ SCC

Tonight was an awesome night at church with the girls of Southbridge. There is something about when women come together that is so beautiful.

The bond between girlfriends is unknown by any other relationship!

Most "besties" can know how you're doing at hello.
With our EYES we can tell stories (that we don't want anyone else to know.)
We have full conversations only using a few key words and "get it" when no one else around us knows what the heck we're talking about.
(though most of the time we choose to use many more words than necessary)!

Our hearts go out to each other because we're traveling the same road.
(some are just a bit further along)

We know insecurity. We know laughter. We know the struggle for acceptance and love. We know freedom. We know the longing for meaningful relationships. We know heartbreak. We know joy. We know support. We know what it's like to wake up in the morning and HATE THE WORLD for no other reason than our monthly friend came to visit. We know what it's like to want to feel beautiful.

Women are amazing. Even more so when we come together. For each other. We are built up strengthened by relationships with each other. We are a lifeline. I don't know where I would be with out my girlfriends!!

It is exhilarating to be a part of God's love being lived out in each others' lives.

Thank you for everyone who put our Girlfriends' Night together! Tonight was beautiful. I can't wait for our future times together. and to be involved. The best is yet to come!

Here is a song we sang tonight. I LOVE the words. The song describes something that I've felt - but would never have been able to have described. It's about HIS LOVE for us! The first time I heard it in church all I could do was read the words. It is SO GOOD.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and
how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and
my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us,
whoa, how He loves us
whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us
He loves us
He loves us
He loves.

HIS LOVE covers everything! Thinking about His love - I won't live in regret. He loves me. I'm unaware of the afflictions around me... because of His grace. What an awesome place to live. He loves me. Thinking of the greatest love I've ever know... His affections for me are MORE! He loves me. I'm DRAWN to redemption by His grace.

The pictures the words of this song paint are of a love so dramatic and overwhelming. I can't know how long, wide or deep His love is for me. But this song gives me a taste.

washing my feet.

I got home today from a long day of photography.

I was wearing my sister's black "Mary Jane" Crocs. They are the most comfortable, quietest shoes for moving around while I'm shooting. They have a strap around the ankle with an open back. Somehow my feet tend to get HORRIBLY dirty when I wear them...? (the wedding was outside... and there was a lot of dirt - so I guess it makes sense)

The second I got home I tore the shoes off and threw the them in my closet. I was READY for bed (long day)... but my feet were too filthy to put them in my newly washed sheets. I immediately thought - I wish I had someone to wash my feet. I'm too tired right now.

Then I thought about friends of mine who just got married. The groom surprised his bride by washing her feet during the ceremony.

What a beautiful way to start a marriage. Instead of just saying vows - and doing the traditions that we go through. He washed her feet - SHOWING her that he loves her, wants the best for her, will put her first, he will take care of her, he will serve her.

I want to be like that. I want to wash people's feet.

I thought that it might be a bit funny if I carried around soap, a bucket and some wash cloths... so I nixed that idea. BUT I can be a servant in my attitude. My demeanor. My love.

How can I "wash someone's feet today"? How can I serve today?

Reality.

"if we don't REALLY see where we're at... How can we get to where we want to be?"

This thought has been haunting me lately. In a good way. I've wondered How many people I know are doing SOMETHING that they're passionate about? Not even necessarily as a career - but just in life.

I have friends who want to be writers - are they writing now. I have friends who are musicians and would love to have an album - are they recording now. I have friends who want to travel the world - are they taking care of their stuff at home right now. I have friends who want to continue their education - are they applying to schools right now. I have friends who want to start their own business - are they researching and developing right now. I have friends who want to be stay at home moms and wives - are they married now... (haha)

really.

The things that we do in our everyday life determine what our future will be. We can't choose the same thing EVERYDAY and expect to get a different result than where we're at RIGHT NOW.

It's interesting how many people I've talked to lately... who are not really LIVING in reality. Caught between what we want and what life actually is. (whether this is caused through personal choices or choices made by other people that effect us). We can't choose what happens to in life... but we CAN choose what direction we go.

I'd love to encourage people to truly SEE the areas in life that are not how you want them to be - and PURSUE what you want. Pursue your dreams. The "things" that are in you (only YOU) to do.

The things that you want for your future. are you investing in and pursuing NOW?

a small request.

when I die. please don't say of me. "she was so young and had so much potential."

this phrase breaks my heart each time I hear it. Because it implies that potential has died.

It hasn't died - it just now lives on in you.

please talk of who I am. who I was. that I lived to love and to give. to bring out the inner beauty in the things that surround me.

**************************************************************************

this thought has haunted me for weeks - no months now. I haven't known how to communicate it. Because death is such a delicate subject. I want to write about it... cause I won't be able to then.

When we lose someone - it is hard not to think of all of the things that they didn't GET to do. But I feel that it takes away from what they got to do and who they were.

I haven't fulfilled some lifelong dreams. but. If I go before those are fulfilled... my life was (is) full.

It is our responsibility while we are still here... to know what we're here for.
To know what we're passionate about. and to give all we are.

Then when we are gone - the people who loved us and were a part of us will pick up the pieces and give where they can. That's the beautiful thing about community and life. We give something specific to each person around us. What we give will be carried on.

Our passion won't die when we do.

I feel a responsibility to the people who are close to me who have died to love life like they did. Because I CAN. I'm here.

When I die. It will be the beginning of the best life I've ever known.

I don't WANT to die young. but if I do - please grant me this small request. to remember the life I lived. not the potential lost.

love.S

lemonade

I was driving to a friend's house today and HAD to pull over at a little lemonade stand. A beautiful little girl and her mom sat on the corner waiving as I pulled into the neighborhood.  How could I pass by?

When I got to my friends house I saw that we all had lemonade in little red cups.

  

a familiar conversation

I love relationships.

With out them - we have nothing.

But we shouldn't stay in them (romantic relationships) to have "something".

I've had a familiar conversation with multiple friends lately. 

Many of my unmarried friends are at the point where they've been dating someone for 2+ years... and are wondering if they should take the "next step".  They've gotten to the point that they've been together for too long to "just" be dating... but may not be "ready" for marriage. 

I've had too many of these conversations with the same thoughts and advice to not write about it. I heard a statistic that 1 out of 3 engagements are broken.  And 40-50% of marriages end in divorce (in the US). 

These statistics are incredible - and can be lowered.  By being honest with ourselves in what we want and need.  And by seeing perspective life mates for WHO they are - not who we want them to be.   

I don't know much about relationships but I love learning and growing in them... So here are a few questions that I've learned to ask.  

1. If nothing changed in your relationship TODAY for the rest of your life, would you be satisfied?

2. Are you on the same page with your morals and values?

3. Does your significant other bring out the best in you? How do they handle the worst in you?

4. Do they encourage you to pursue your desires?

5. How do you each handle money?

6. Do you want to RAISE children with them? (not just to have kids... but raise them together)

7. Do they make effort for relationships with your friends and family? Do your friends and family like them?

8. Do they love themselves enough to know who they are and what they want out of life?

9. Do you HAVE FUN with them? Do you laugh... A LOT?

10. Are you a priority in their life? Do they communicate and show you?

It's not worth it to settle for someone that may be "good" but isn't the best. 

Life is too short when you're with the right person...

Life is too long when you're with the wrong person.

Breakups Suck!!  (understatement... I HATE them.  I cried when Nick and Jessica broke up and I don't even know them) but the heartache for a period of time is worth the Love of a Lifetime.

I believe we each have an innate desire for "eternal" relationships. That's why breaking up with someone hurts so much.  We want it to last!  We have a longing in our hearts in our BEING to belong to someone. 

To Be:

Loved Deeply.

Cared for Completely.

Supported Unwaveringly.

Listened to intently.

To Have:

Conflict with resolution.

Communication that brings the Best.

Partnership no matter the situation.

Unspeakable Joy.

Unmatched Intimacy.

All this to say... I don't know what any of my friends should do - except to be honest.  See yourself for who you are.  See your SO for who they are.  

Don't settle for less than the best... if the person you're with is it.  AMAZING!  If they're not - it's worth it to hold out for the person who is.

with Love.S

A year ago today.

I haven't had too many IMMEDIATE answers to prayers. But living with the Colvins is one of them.

It was a year ago today that I moved in with a family that has blessed me more than words can say. Waking up to the pitter patter of Marley's little feet in the kitchen. The amount of joy and laughter she brings - just by being herself. Being greeted at the door by 2 (almost) 100 lb dogs and having a "big sister" and another "big brother" figure in my life to be able to talk to about anything and everything has been amazing!

They are a very strong family. Their love for each other is evident in what they do and how they give. They have had someone "in need" live with them for their whole married life! I want to be like that!

I love that we draw the best out in each other also!

It doesn't seem like it's been a year. It feels like I've always lived here... Like they've always been a part of the family - and I've always been a part of theirs.

It's been an amazing year! I'm so thankful they'll be in my life for the rest of it. And only pray that I can somehow bless them like they've blessed me!

Love you Colvins!